A Broken Doll
by Starberry-Cupcake
Summary: Effie is no longer captive but she isn't completely free,not when she can't understand who she is anymore.Maybe someone who has been lost in his own nightmares before can help her find her way out of the darkness.Not necessarily romantic.During Mockingjay


**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Hunger Games, if I did, Finnick would have tamed those mutts and been back in D4 to his wife and child ='(

**Characters:** Effie & Haymitch. It's not necessarily a romantic fic, but you can read it in that perspective if you wish. I do ship them, though.

**Raiting:** K+

**Moment in the series:** Before the ending of Mockingjay (right before Snow's Trial, to be precise).

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><p><strong>A Broken Doll<strong>

"It's over"

That is what people keep telling me, once and again, as if it could make me feel any better.

"It is over, Effie".

It is not over. It will never be over, not anymore. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. _I don't know who I am_. I wish they had killed me when I was captive. I wish that the torture was a bit stronger, the blades cut a bit deeper, so I didn't become the empty vessel that I am now. _What am I?_

I get released from prison but I don't know what to do. I tremble, walk, sit down, get up and walk again, among those people with smiles on their faces but sorrow in their eyes; maybe because they lost someone, maybe because they lost themselves. Like me.

I hear but I can't listen, I look but I can't see, I wouldn't recognize my own voice if I could bring myself to speak because I only heard screams coming from my mouth for the past…days? Months? Years? I don't even know. I don't have anything to say, though…or anyone to talk to.

I feel a hand in my shoulder but I don't bother to turn around. I think it's someone who has mistaken me, because nobody would come for me. After what the Capitol did, after what they've been doing, everyone will see me as a traitor, as a part of _them_. Just like for _them_ I was a traitor too. I would fight for myself but I don't know who I am. I could be a traitor, for all I know.

The hand doesn't move and it starts shaking me. I tremble in fear, expecting the punch, the kick, the cut, the pain that comes after a shake like that when you are being tortured as I am…or as I was? I can't figure it out. The hit doesn't arrive and the shake insists, as I start hearing the voice that belongs to the person holding me.

"Effie! Effie!" it sounds so distant, even if he seems to be standing behind me.

But I'm too scared to look, to be a part of this world again.

"Effie!" I'm turned around against my frail will, and I tremble so much that I'm about to fall.

Strong arms catch me before I collide with the floor. They hold me warmly, safely. I try, for the first time, to connect with the world that is around me, still spinning outside that world that I've been living in, the one inside my mind.

"For goodness sakes, woman!" Haymitch's voice and the expression in his face are so familiar…so refreshing.

"Are you going to kill me, Haymitch?" I mutter with a voice that doesn't feel like my own.

"Of course not!" he answers, with the same tone that he uses when he thinks I said something extremely stupid.

"Why not?" I plead, with tears in my eyes.

Haymitch then shows me something through his eyes that I haven't seen in a long time: _compassion_. He understands. He has been here. I knew it but I never brought myself to understand. He was a survivor. He_ is_ a survivor.

"I'm so sorry" I cry, unable to say anything else.

I was sorry for what happened, I was sorry for being blind, I was sorry for being a silent witness of other people's suffering, I was sorry for being put in a place I didn't choose, I was sorry for judging him for being what I could never be brave enough to become. I was sorry for being a _survivor_. And it was selfish. But now I was _aware_ that it was.

"I know" he whispers, embracing me and holding me as I cry like never before in my entire life.

If I look back and think about the times that I have cried, I am sure I will find many reasons that will be less than nothing compared to what I am crying for now. And I am scared to remember.

I was numb all my life and now the feelings overwhelm me.

"It hurts now and it will hurt so much more, but you'll get through" he says, while I cling to him as if my life depended on it…and maybe, right now, it does.

"How?" I ask, desperate.

"Drinking, maybe?" he mockingly suggests.

I don't know how but I manage to softly giggle between my sobs. He notices it and smiles.

"Don't be a coward, Effie, don't be one of _them_" he softly says in my ear "Get through and prove us all wrong…show me what you're really made of."

I still tremble but I get up with his help, very slowly. My eyes are still vacant, my body still shakes, but now there is a drop of hope inside me that makes me believe that it can get better.

He did it. _I can do it_.

"Now, I need you to do what you do best. Go to Katniss and get her ready for the Trial. Don't worry about anything else and don't listen to anyone else, do you understand?" he looks at me right in the eyes, as if it was so important for me to keep the schedule.

It used to be so important…but now it seems so…so…_shallow_.

"Get her ready?" I repeat, unable to understand.

"Yes" he simply answers, grabbing me from my shoulders and focusing my attention in him and him alone.

"Why _me_?" I am no use for anything anymore.

"Because that is what you do, Effie, that is what you _know_."

And I realize I can't do anything else, I don't know anything else than things that are not worthy, not necessary, that can't _save_ me. I'm _useless_. I'm _empty_.

I start to shake and I am unable to breathe anymore. My vision blurs as I get dizzy and feel like I will faint if I can't manage to breathe normally again. But there is this pressure inside me that is dragging me to a place of darkness, a place I cannot run away from because it is inside my own self and it will be there always, now that I have seen evil. Now that I have been in its hands…

"Effie, listen to my voice" I hear from a distant place, but his warm hands hold me again and I remember that there is a world outside this darkness.

I hug him tightly, asking him to be my anchor in this storm that is pushing me away from the shore of my sanity, because I know he is strong and he could save me. And he does.

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><p>Her petite figure feels like nothing between my arms. What have they done to her?<p>

I know where she is because I've been there so many times before, but she needs help. I hold her tight and wait for her to come back, while calling for her softly in her ear. She looks like a broken doll. She feels like a broken doll. But I know that there is a soul down there somewhere, and I want it back.

"You need to get Katniss ready for me, Effie. You know what a disaster she is when it comes to looking presentable"

"And her _manners_…" she whispers back.

She's there. Somewhere.

"Would you do that for me, sweetheart?" I ask, looking at her vacant eyes.

"Of course" she says, still trembling.

"After today, we will all start again" I say "I promise"

She nods, and I can see a tiny gleam in her eyes for a moment. She is there and I will get her back. Eventually.

She walks towards the room where Katniss is and I watch her go.

After today, things will change.

Because I know my Mockingjay and she will do the right thing.

**The End**

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><p><strong>Another Hunger Games fic! I've seen the movie on the 22<strong>**nd**** and I'll just say it's all what I've expected and more. I really liked it!**

**Well, Effie is one of my favorite characters, so I wanted to do something about her with Haymitch included. Even if I do ship them and I see that there are not those many fics of them together, this one isn't necessarily romantic because it wasn't the point that I wanted to explore.**

**I have my big English exam this year! So I'm practicing my writing a lot…I need to practice my formal letter writing more though xD **

**Thanks for reading and review if you can, I appreciate the feedback!**

**Read you later!**

**Luly**


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